morning sickness

I hate it when I wake up wide awake in some early mornings.
Because they bring with them a fear, sadness, that I dread the most........................................
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Some days I wake up early,
Suddenly
Without the shrieks of the alarm
Unasked for
At 4.
And the silence
Makes me remember
All that I have lost.
All that never can I regain.
Everything
That I missed out on.

The floodgates open
Those doors of my mind
that I have closed
and sealed
and plastered
as much as I can
are pushed wide apart.

It reminds me
all that I wanted to be
and never could be
or has been yet.

It fills me with a certainty
That the worst
Is still waiting
To hitchhike on your life.

There is a queer feeling in the chest.
I sweat.
I weep.
I bang my fist into the pillow.
I kneel,
And I pray,
O god please let me fall back asleep.